Amanda

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 20:28:47 GMT

If you comment on this post:
1. I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll challenge you to try something.
3. I’ll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you.
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.

Just do it, eh?

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 18:42:24 GMT

I really feel at this point in my life, other than my scary student loans and the idea of having to support myself eventually, I could really do anything I want. If I wanted something bad enough, I could figure out a way to do it. Its a crazy feeling. Kind of like the feeling you have right before you sneeze. Or maybe it is the feeling of the sneeze. Either way its very satisfying.

So take that world! In your face!

Now I am off to put on clothes.

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 20:44:37 GMT

Funny how people can go about living their normal boring lives when they are completely dead to me. Not sure how that works. Do you think they wake up every morning feeling a little bit empty and soulless and emotionally ravaged by my undying hatred? Just something to think about.

Thu, 25 May 2006 02:03:51 GMT

Find your own pose!

I had no idea my sleeping pattern could be so insightful. However, I thought this sleeping position was just usually referred to as "Spooning?" Also when I used to share a bed with Michael I would do the opposite and smoosh into him because he was so much bigger than me and it kind of felt like I had this protective barricade to one side. You know, like the rule about always keeping your back to the wall. Just something to think about.

Ha ha. You just thought I was a little weird, didn't you.

Tue, 16 May 2006 18:47:10 GMT

So....today I took my computer to Computer Medic to figure out why my computer was going beep beep beepbeepbeepbeep BEEEEEEEP BEEEEP!!!!!

Within five seconds of opening the case he saw what was wrong. Within five minutes he had fixed it and was testing it to make sure that was the only problem. When I asked him if it cost anything he just sort of shook his head and gave me a smile that said, silly silly girl, you will never understand the majesty of my super computer powers.

On the way home I had a talk with my computer. I asked it why it kept acting up and I realized it too was feeling bad about the break up. After all, Michael was the one who put that computer together. I asked the computer if it thought that maybe instead of fighting we could help each other deal with the loss of someone we cared a lot about. I comforted it saying that we still had many people who cared about us and would take care of us. I think the computer felt a little bit better after that. When I left for work I put one of my snowmen stuffed animals next to the computer just to really let it know that I cared about it and I wanted it to be happy.

Wed, 10 May 2006 17:35:45 GMT

I AM IN ANN ARBOR!!!!

Mon, 08 May 2006 07:49:13 GMT

I know I have already said this to you all a million times but I AM COMING BACK TO ANN ARBOR!!!!

It will be nice to see my friends and to live in a city where I can walk to bars and get intoxicated more frequently. I am also really looking forward to working on shows with Megan and living with Yuki and martini nights and all that fun stuff. But I really will miss working at Barnes and Noble. I love that place. I love the people and helping people find books. I just fit in there really well. Sort of a nice little niche that I hadnt had for a long time. It seems sad I should get the feeling from a silly retail job but it makes me feel useful. It makes me feel like I am doing something nice for people by giving them the book they have been searching for.

I've been helping one of my guy friends out here deal with a break up and it has given me a lot of incite about Michael breaking up with me. Don't get me wrong, I still hope Michael will fall out of a rollar coaster and break every bone in his body. I guess it just reminds me of when I have had to break up with people, and whether or not the other person had a good reason to break up with you or not, it still blows. Also, my guy friend was feeling really terrible about the breakup even though he had initiated it, and his ex was really terrible to him and nasty and mean, and he STILL felt bad about it. So I can only conclude that Michael, who broke up with a really great girl (me), would feel even worse. So there. That's something. Its true. I feel a little bit less bad about it everyday. I still get lonely and sad at night and I still feel like I am worthless a lot of the time, but those are issues I have to deal with myself and are completely unrelated to Michael. Every time I reach the realization that I am better off now or that I am a cool fun person to be around or whatever, and I'll kind of say it out loud to myself my friend Nevena will smile and give me this look that says "of course you are better off without that shmuck and why would I hang out with you if you werent a cool and fun person to be around?"

I have been reading a ton of awesome books as of late. A lot of young adult fiction like The Giver by Lois Lowry and The City of Ember and the People of Sparks by Jeanne DuPrau. I am about to start another book called the Golden Hour by Maivis something or other. Oh, and after being harassed by the guy at the movie theatre and consulting multiple employees at Barnes and Noble I bought a copy of the DaVinci Code and am going to read it. Im sure it will only take me a day or something to get through it all. Maybe Ill read it on the plane.

My foot is falling asleep. Time to read and then go to bed.

P.s. Today I drove through the desert on a horse with no name. Actually it was a 1999 Buick Century. Also I will give anyone a dollar if they can tell me what is so special about a Joshua Tree. I learned this today.

Today's Musings, totally uninteresting.

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 05:52:52 GMT

So I went to my new psychiatrist/therapist (the rapist as my sister and I like to call it) and I would say overall it was a positive experience. (The only negative aspects were the ten dollars I had to pay to park in the lot behind the office, p.s. from now on I will bring quarters and park on the street. Also it was a lot of money to meet with this woman, which my mom had the pleasure or displeasure rather of informing me AFTER I came back from seeing her and was really excited about it. I'm sorry I live in LA where everything costs a million times more than normal.)

So anyway, my new the rapist (Dr. Sarii Watkin.) is really cool. She has dark hair and wore a long flowy dark dress and looked very new age, though she isnt really at all. I only cried a little bit when talking about Michael and she made a big deal of pointing out that it was HIS PROBLEM and NOT MINE that he broke up with me. She very quickly picked up on my self effacing problem. She also stopped me whenever I would start to speculate on what Michael thought of me, i.e. him deciding randomly that he didnt love me anymore. I have to learn to deal with the fact that I don't know and will never know what he was really thinking so it does me no good to think that he just hated me or that he never really loved me or that he was unhappy as he claimed to be. I remarked how much it hurt me to think I was being a terrible girlfriend or making him unhappy for so long and I never knew about it or he never told me and she was very prompt in her response that most likely for him to say he was so unhappy was bullshit. (She didnt say bullshit.) Mostly she was just very good at ciphering between the problems that were mine and which were Michael's. I can change my problems but not his. I need to one day work on the fact that I think so negatively of myself and rely so much on what others think of me. What also made me feel really great was that she discussed how I wasn't "Not the one for Michael" because he said so, but because I deserved better than some guy who could say such things to me. It was all about me being better than him, me deserving better, me finding someone who appreciated me. I talked about how romantic and into me Michael was at the beginning and she said that there is nothing wrong with loving being adored, that I should be adored and appreciated. For a stranger to tell me that, I dont know. It was strange. I almost had a moment where I was like, yeah damn straight, I should have a guy totally fawning over me because I deserve that! I should never be pining hopelessly for someone so unworthy of me! But then it passed. I just need to work on getting that moment back. I really could not have done anything more for him. If he is uncapable of loving me after what I did, then I don't know how he can love anybody. I couldn't have given him any more and asked any less.

I HAVE MERIT!
AMANDA IS WORTHY TO BE LOVED AND RESPECTED!!!

Seems so simple. But its not. Funny how life works.

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 22:33:52 GMT

Stephanie Steinhoff has returned to Pburgh and left me in my cloud of smog and sorrow.

Last Thursday I met a guy from Deleware. I was drunk and told him I had never met anyone who had been to Deleware before, and I was pretty sure that the place didn't really exist. He assured me that it did and reminded me that Deleware held claim to being the first state ever. Is this true? I hope so because he said that was really all Delaware had going for it. How sad!

Also at the time I was wearing a shirt that had to be taped on to my body. Because it was that nonexistent. Pretty awesome.

P.s. I hate boys. No really, I do. Except then a really nice guy at my work bought me a book. And gave me some candy. And that made me feel better. I really love my job. You would not think a crappy Barnes and Noble job could be so life affirming, but it is. It balences out the sordid, drunken depression that being a writer sinks me into.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 18:53:47 GMT

Amanda's Fortune
for March 23, 2006

Fortune by myYearbook.com
the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Why does this sound like I'm going to die or get sucked into a mysterious abyss where dancing doesnt exist anymore because John Lithgow outlawed it?

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 10:45:42 GMT

Dear comrades,

Today's assignment is to recommend movies for me to rent on my new blockbuser maily thing. It can be anything, weird artsy film, kick ass action movie, old classic, your favorate movie from when you were ten, seriously anything.

Thank you.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 00:19:59 GMT

I celebrated St. Patrick's Day early this year by hitting on and later drunkenly kissing a red headed boy. I also drank three guinesses and a shot of something a random girl didnt want and handed to me. Am I lucky not to be dead? I sang a Johnny Cash song, accompanied by previously mentioned red headed boy. He gave me his number at the end of the night. How long am I supposed to wait before I call him?

In conclusion, it was a kick ass time. Also, Amanda much prefers drunken hook ups to any other various activities and DOES NOT want a boyfriend for a really really long time. I had too much fun on Thursday.

P.S. Im hungry. Does anyone want to make me a sandwich?

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 21:53:37 GMT

Someone send me a pint of fun. Or maybe a quart. Because I need it. Because I hate things. Or you could smack me over the head with a large wooden plank because I really have nothing to complain about. One should not be complained when a boil is scraped off their foot. Really, its a good thing. Remember that.

Ta loo ral lay!

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 06:56:14 GMT

Okay. So far I have written almost 6 pages today. I have to write five more before I can go to bed. Then I will have only 30 pages to write before Sunday. It feels fucking sweet to be writing. Until I remember I will be poor for so long. Then I start looking for old rich men to marry and then kill.

So for spring break I got drunk with my sister in Epcot at Disneyworld. We were in the back part with all the countries, and got a beer from Germany, Mexico and finally England, where we settled in a drunken stupor on the fake London street corner, next to an old timey lamp post. We sat on the curb and drank and wallowed in our misery. Really though we had an awesome time. And we were drunk. At Disneyworld. My sister also hit on Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum. I can show you the picture later.

The other day I was pondering with my friend Nevena, do you think it would have been super cool to go to a boarding school? And have like a common room where you could all sit around together and talk and play games and do homework? Or am I just deluded from watching and/or reading too much british literature/tv? Maybe Im just feeling shafted that my family never had a proper fire place to sit in front of. What are your thoughts?

Soap Operatic Rantings

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 10:09:32 GMT

EMOTIONAL PART (feel free to skip to the fun part)

Woooo! A new and improved Amanda. Okay, not really but whatever. Sunday I had a total Michael-ectomy, in the sense that I had a breakdown on the phone with him (I know I was forbade to talk to him, but I am an idiot) and ripped up several pics of his, and put all the clothes he gave me in a hidden spot as well as a lot of other stuff he gave me. Now, at this point I recognize the stupidity of trying to be friends with your ex right away, so maybe I deserved it, BUT that does not excuse a person flat out being cruel and mean to someone who they claim to care about. If he didnt want to talk to me or thought it was a bad idea, he could have just said it or maybe just STOPPED CALLING ME. Yes, that is right. He kept calling me and then turns around and practicly yells at me how his friends think he is stupid for talking to me. (Well it was stupid on both our parts but that was not the point) The point is that he decided it was a good idea to say this stuff to me in the meanest possible way. It was at that moment that I had no love for him anymore. You dont treat people you love like that. Or even care about. Or even have a mild respect for. The person who talked on the phone with me last Sunday was not the Michael that I had cared about. It was a completely differnt person with a different life which had no room for me in it. So from now on, in my mind, Michael is dead. The new evil Michael killed him and ate his soul. Poor old dead Michael, who did silly things with me and who seemed to appreciate me.

ANYWAY!!!! THE FUN PART

The new Amanda has had some fun in the past two days. First she (I) spent all of Monday at a hair salon getting my hair dyed and putting extensions in my hair. Lovely! And I was hanging out with Joke which meant superfabness. Today we went to get full body massages and they were so lovely and I wanted to float away on a cloud. We then went shopping at a LA boutique which was sweet ass because the owner is good friends with Paris Hilton, and I dont know why that should be cool but it was, because it makes me feel like a superstar. The dressing room was all posh. They had like drinks back there and all sorts of crap you might randomly want when you are trying on clothes. And designer shoes. Like really expensive designer shoes. So for the first time, Amanda was like, hey, LA is kinda cool. I can be a cool ass movie star too. I did meet Kurt Russell afterall.

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 06:55:47 GMT

I must be a masochist. No really, I must be. I am letting myself feel this bad. I am letting this happen. I am letting myself believe that I really am this worthless and annoying. I deserve to be respected, if not for any positive feelings that he has for me now but at least for what we had in the past. My God. How much is it going to take before I stop. I don't want to be this pathetic. I swear I really really don't. I want to be happy. I am trying so fucking hard to be happy. I try to make plans with my friends, I work hard on school stuff, but god nothing I do is good enough or fun enough to make me feel like a valid human being. Its not him. Its the rejection. The feeling of being worthless garbage so easily cut out or thrown away. Its been a fucking month. I should be fine. I am stronger than this. I despise myself right now.

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 23:50:08 GMT

Sweeeeeeeeeeet!

So these are the crazy things I have done this past weekend. You may think I am crazy, or you may be amused. ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Thursday: My friend who is what one would call an exotic dancer, was auditioning at a club in LA. So I decided to tag along for kicks and moral support. So I sat in the bar, and watched girls dance and it was crazy and none of them were really dancing all that much. It was more like stretching in a sexual way. I felt like a weird random lump because the club was full of beautiful half naked girls and old or sad pathetic men and I didnt really fit in with either group. Soooo when we went to the next club I insisted that my friend make me look hotter. So in the middle of downtown LA, parked outside the club, I stripped off my shirt and bra and replaced them with a piece of red material that I think could have been a shirt and pranced off with her into the next club. She said something to the guy about auditioning and when he came back he handed us both an application. I cracked up.

Friday: I have to say Friday's evening was far less naked. Sometime in the evening my girls picked me up to drive to the Bridge to see a movie. I spent the last of my gift certificates on books, and had a lovely chat with the manager there about how really there was nothing better to spend one's money on than books. Nevena and I then went to see the Chronicles of Narnia, which I had seen once before but it was still no less amusing. (Maybe a little more so because Nevena kept talking about how hot Peter was going to be when he got older. Okay I was saying that too). All in all, a lovely evening.

Saturday: I wasn't planning on doing anything fun Saturday eve, so I was pleased when Nevena called me to say she and Joke, and Justina were thinking of going out to dinner. Someone suggested the Forrest Gump restaurant chain BubbaGump's and it sounded like a good time. It was indeed. I won a prize for answering forrest gump trivia and I made the purchase of a three inch tall shrimp stuffed animal who we gave his own plate and table setting and proceeded to refer to as mine and Joke's alien love child Chucakawa. CHARMING! I also got this pineapple smoothie and I have come to the conclusion if I am ever unable to eat solid food I think I will live off of blended pineapple and ice. Really, I think I could eat that everyday for the rest of my life. Though I doubt I would live very long, because for gods sake Im only eating pineapple smoothes. That's no way to live. Even if it is tasty and delicious.

In conclusion, India is a land of contrast.

YAWP!

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 00:25:00 GMT

Look at me! Look at me!!

I'm not being lame!!

I made myself call a friend and plan to do something tonight! Homework can be done later! I will be happy again! I swear I will be happy again!!! If I have to go into the happy forest and hunt down happy with a giant rifle and a net, I will be happy again!!!

Warning! Danger will robinson! Rant!

Oh and by the way, I was in Borders and skimmed through that book "Its called a breakup because its broken" by the same people who wrote "hes just not that into you" and it made me want to throw myself from a bridge. They put everything into really black and white standards, basically saying, "He doesn't like you. Move on." Yes the move on part is important, but I dont think I ever got there because I was on the floor crying because I felt like the worst girlfriend who ever had been. Really, to me the book seemed to be saying that it didnt matter if the guy treated you bad, or if you loved him, or what lies he told you or what the situation was, you were a stupid woman if you didn't just move on right this second and forget all about him. It was as if the guy was freed of all blame for wanting to dump you. No one wants to hear that your ex was perfectly valid in his determination that you were not good enough for him. You didn't do anything wrong other than be yourself, but being yourself was a pretty wrong thing to do. It made me feel stupid, as it explained my ex boyfriend had been probably been unhappy the whole time and has been working every day towards this moment of breakup and I had just been to oblivious to ever notice that every day of my relationship was full of pain and annoyance for my former significant other. If I was to write a break up book it would be like a hundred pages of saying "you are so hot! what a jerk! you don't need him! he was smelly! etc." Not, "this is why you are a stupid bitch so listen to what we say." No thanks.

Oy.

So I had to vent about that. Because this has been hard enough on its own. Without stupid books making me feel even worse. I thought books were my friend!

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 00:26:14 GMT

The Horror! The Horror! said that one guy in Heart of Darkness. (marlon brando's character in apocalypse now)

I am really sick of feeling bad. I want to kick things. Like babies. Well, I wanted to kick babies even before I started feeling bad.

This is the hardest part of the year for me, what with my seasonal depression and all. It will probably help a lot when I go back to California (if the monsoon season ever decides to leave), as much as I would rather stay with people who like me and want to give me hugs. And be near Ann Arbor. Where there are some cool people. But LA is a huge place. There has got to be some more cool people there who want to be my friend. I just don't feel up to finding more friends. I am too tired all the time. I need a magic potion. Or a magic cape of endurance like in World of Warcraft. +10 energy cape or something.

Reading is helping a lot. Recommend me some books if you please. You all do such a charming job of that.

I hate things. Wont you hate things with me?

Love,
Amanda

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 04:37:51 GMT

I am full of rage. At myself. At the world. At the grinch who stole my christmas. I want to cry bullets of rage. Really big ones with jagged edges that tear up your flesh and then explode once they hit their target.

I love christmas. I hate new years. And here it is. New Years eve tomorrow. I normally hate new years anyway but this year its just extra sucky. Why should I feel obliged to change my whole life and frame of mind simply because its a new year. Tra la la. Nothing tra la la. If I was David Bowie I bet I would be not so depressed.

I am trying to be a normal person again (well, normal as I ever was) but I'm too angry and hurt still. And I'm really not excited about going back to LA where the city eats my soul a little bit every day. Its kind of like waking up every day to find you are missing a toe, only the toe is metaphorical, and by that I mean you can't see it. I just want a magic bean to make everything better.

My new year's resolution for 2006. To get everything I want. You owe me universe. You owe me BIG.

Vomiting from my heart

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 18:50:05 GMT

So, one of the worst parts about being broken up with, and by the way Michael broke up with me, I am simply not the one, he says, is that I think back to the times when I broke up with people, and I think of all the things going on in my mind then, and I know the situations are different but still, I think about the lies or excuses I told during break ups. I kept asking him if there was somebody else and he said no, but how do I know? I cant know because he isnt talking to me anymore. I cant hang out with him. I cant see if there really is someone and figure out what is so great about her or what she has that I didnt. If she even exists. Its like in the movie High Fidelity. No human being is as happy and complete as Michael is with his new girlfriend in my mind right now. She is exactly what he wants, and everything I am not and he has already forgotten my name.

At least I gave guys reasons when I broke up with them. I mean, I understand, you cant make yourself feel some way about a person if you dont. But how can he still love me but not want to be with me? How can he even say he loves me when he is breaking up with me? In my mind he cant, so I dont believe him or any of the nice things he has ever said to me. I am so hurt. Right now that is all I can think about. Being hurt and alone. And pathetic. And stupid for having let him do this to me.

And by the way it is my birthday today.

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 03:58:29 GMT

Amanda is a model!! For Urban Outfitters!!

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=10086&itemType=PRODUCT&iMainCat=10&iSubCat=594&iProductID=10086

Amanda is also going insane. Yesterday she watched the series finale of the X Files (which she missed when it origianlly aired because of a certain lame ex boyfriend of mine wouldn't let me get off the phone and watch it) and she started crying whenever Mulder and Scully kissed, or hugged, or looked at each other with fondness in their eyes. Because David Duchovny is hot. And I miss my boyfriend. And I want to kiss him. Or David Duchovny.

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 00:52:01 GMT

Right now I am depressed because my final project sucked and my teacher hated it even though he didnt teach me anything this semester by which to have improved my film. What is the point of making screenwriters take production intro classes when they just tell us, you guys are gonna suck anyway so Im not gonna really try to teach you, and then when we do suck they blaim it on us. I am pissed and depressed and I want to stab something into something. I am not a moron. My film was not terrible. And yet today my dumbass professor made me believe the opposite of both these statements.

Die bitch.

I swear I did not cheat

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 02:21:39 GMT

Severus Snape
You clearly do not scare easily. You want a man
who is sharp, intellectual, cultured, and not
too mushy. Get underneath his cool, sarcastic
exterior and who knows what treasures you might
find.

Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Of course I would date Snape.

Because I am a freak.

It's good thing I am dating a nice normal boy. Because this is the alternative.

TEXAS

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 20:10:14 GMT

Hurrah for thanksgiving weekend! I arrived in Texas Thursday afternoon. I started to hyperventilate when I got off the plane and I was walking to meet Michael at baggage claim. Friday we spent the day making turkey dinner with cheesy hash brown potatoes and stuffing and pecan pie and A GIANT TURKEY WOOOOOO!!! It was a lovely eve. Then we went to this sweet movie theater called the Alamo where they have these long tables and waitresses bring you food. The food was a strange combination of gourmet and greasy spoon and all together quite excellent. Saturday we went to office max and bought michael a desk and spent the rest of the day putting it together. We make a good team when it comes to building furniture and turkeys. And right now I am sitting around hugging micheal because I dont want to go back to LA because it sucks there and Austin is actually pretty cool.